


The Perils of Fake-Dating a Superheroine

by siderealSandman



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Bee!Chloe, Dick Dastardly-esque shennanigans, F/M, Fake Dating, Kidnapping, bst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-05
Updated: 2017-01-05
Packaged: 2018-09-14 23:53:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9210764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siderealSandman/pseuds/siderealSandman
Summary: Nothing had brought more peril or bother to Nathanael’s life than the day Hawkmoth got it in his head that he was dating Queen Bee.It had started with a chance rescue, the black and yellow heroine scooping him up as he fell from the claws of an Akuma that dangled him over the Seine. And at the time, it had been thrilling; to be scooped up by Paris’ latest heroine and whisked away over the rooftops away from danger. There wasn’t a teenager in Paris that hadn’t idly fantasized about being rescued by one of the four superheroes that saved their city on a regular basis.Then the kidnappings started.





	

“This is _so_ fucking cliché, dude.”

 

The one plus side to being used as a human chess piece in Hawkmoth’s game was the fact that Nathanael now knew Nino better than he ever had before. Volpina’s boyfriend sighed through his nose, head resting against the conjured railroad track as the phantom steam engine rocketed closer and closer to the two figures bound back to back.

 

“I mean this is some genuine Snidely Whiplash bullshit,” Nino grumbled, trying to wriggle free of the thick, coiled rope that bound him and Nathanael to the track. “Like, I don’t know if we need to call Ladybug or the fucking Dover Boys at this point, you know?”

 

“I know,” Nathanael said, watching the opera cloaked akuma cackle and rub his hands together a few yards away. “No one has an appreciation for the classics more than me, but that doesn’t mean you have to rip them off.”

 

“I…I _beg your pardon?!”_ Vaudevillain screeched, pulling a nearby level and grinding the train to a screeching halt. Dust shook down from the tunnel roof as the akuma rolled the boys off the track, planting a boot on Nino’s chest. “There is _nothing_ cliché about my performance villainy! If anything, I’m subverting the traditional damsel-in-distress narrative by pursuing Volpina and Queen Bee’s boy toys.”

 

“I’m not her boy-toy,” Nathanael mumbled into the dirt floor.

 

“Wow, you’re _such_ a progressive murderer,” Nino snorted, rolling his eyes as the boys were rolled back onto the railroad track. “You want a fucking BAFTA for this?”

 

“Ideally, yes,” Vaudevillain sighed, rolling the train back on its tracks. “Sadly, performance crime is _tragically_ underappreciated in this city.”

 

“Maybe the next boys you murder will net you a seat at Cannes,” Nathanael snorted, leaning his head back to talk to Nino. “Hey, did you finish the science homework?”

 

“Just got to do the lab writeup,” Nino shrugged. “Why, you want to look at it?”

 

“Just to double check,” Nathanael said, kicking his feet back and forth. “Gotta bring my science grade up or my dad is gonna disinherit me.”

 

“Dude, don’t you have a B+?”

 

“Might as well be an F according to Dr. Kuntzberg.”

 

“Rough, man,” Nino clucked. “Yeah, I’ll email you the report when we get-”

 

“ _AHEM,”_ Vaudevillain cleared his throat, tapping his bootheel against the rail. “I’m sorry, aren’t you two supposed to be _pleading for your lives or something?!”_

“Is that what you want?” Nino asked.

 

“I would appreciate a little begging, yes.”

 

“Or _what_?” Nathanael snorted. “You’ll kill us?”

 

“Well…well, obviously I’m going to kill you anyway,” Vaudevillain said, taking his top hat off and running a hand through his greasy black hair. “But this is sort of my first big performance villainy piece and I was expecting more…pleading? I mean-”

 

The akuma gestured to the menacing freight engine puffing steam and waiting on his command to crush the boys tied to the track.

 

“Shouldn’t you be _terrified_ or something?!” Vaudevillain spluttered.

 

Nino and Nathanael glanced at the demonic looking train with a small shrug and a half-hearted “eh.”

 

“This isn’t our first hostage situation,” Nino said.

 

“And as thematic as this whole “silent movie star” gimmick is, you’re not exactly the most terrifying akuma to hold us captive,” Nathanael sniffed, rubbing his back up and down on the railing to scratch an itch.

 

“Yeah, remember Deathman?” Nino said.

 

“Now _there_ was an akuma,” Nathanael said. “Raised hoards of flaming phantom skeletons to fight Chat Noir and Queen Bee.”

 

“Or Sharkfist?”

 

“Literal hands made out of sharks.”

 

“Monkey Kong?”

 

“ _Still_ can’t eat a bananas.”

 

“The _point_ we’re trying to make, Charlie Chaplain, is that this isn’t our first rodeo,” Nino said. “I don’t know if you thought you were being original kidnapping Volpina and Queen Bee’s boy toys-”

 

“I am _not_ her boy-toy,” Nathanael muttered.

 

“Okay, dude, what the hell is up with that?” Nino asked, craning his neck over his shoulder. “This is _literally_ the eighth time you’ve been personally singled out and kidnapped by some akuma looking to get at Bee.”

 

“Yes, I just assumed the pair of you were together like the tall boy and the fox girl,” Vaudevillain said, leaning on the lever.

 

“Guilty,” Nino shrugged with a lopsided grin.

 

“Not like I could very well kidnap Ladybug or Chat Noir,” Vaudevillain continued. “So…I-I mean naturally I need to use _someone_ as bait so-”

 

“Look, I appreciate the sentiment and commitment to supervillain clichés,” Nathanael sighed, trying in vain to blow his bangs out of his face. “But you’ve been _gravely_ misinformed about my boy-toy status, especially with regards to-”

 

_SMASH_

“Right on time,” Nathanael said, watching a streak of black and yellow collide with the akuma at full speed. “Wouldn’t want to think I’ve been forgotten about…”

 

* * *

 

“Have you been telling people we’re dating?”

 

This was the question that greeted Nathanael as he closed the door to his bedroom and saw a pair of perturbed blue eyes glaring at him from the edge of his bed.

 

“How did you…” Nathanael sighed, dropping his backpack in a chair as he sat down at his desk. “You know what, never mind; I don’t want to know.”

 

“I didn’t _break in_ ,” Queen Bee sniffed. “You just didn’t lock it properly.”

 

“Clearly I need to put up a bug zapper too,” Nathanael said, spinning around in his chair to look the superhero in the eye. “Can I help you?”

 

“Have you been telling people we’re _dating_?” Queen Bee repeated, arms crossing and foot tapping against the side of the bed. “That stupid 20’s movie akuma today said something about you being my _boy-toy_ while I was closing a door on his head.”

 

“Wasn’t my doing,” Nathanael sighed, shrugging helplessly. “Hawkmoth must’ve got it in his stupidly dressed head that we were a thing after you saved me from Clock-twerk back in March.”

 

“So, wait, I save your ginger-ass from getting plastered on the sidewalk and somehow Hawkmoth got it in his head that we’re-” Queen Bee gestured back and forth between them with her finger.

 

“Why do you think I’ve been kidnapped eight times in four weeks?” Nathanael said.

 

“Because you’re a bright red, slow moving target?”

 

“Because Hawkmoth knows he can’t use Chat or Ladybug as leverage, so he goes after me and Volpina’s boyfriend,” Nathanael sighed.

 

“Oh…well, _that’s_ annoying,” Queen Bee huffed.

 

“Thank you.”

 

“I meant for _me_ ,” Queen Bee clarified. “Can’t you just…you know… _stop_?”

 

“Stop _what_?”

 

“Stop getting kidnapped or whatever,” Queen Bee said, wrinkling her nose. “Every time you do, I have to save you and it’s getting _really_ annoying.”

 

Nathanael blinked, squinting at Queen Bee for a long second before turning back to his desk. “Right…I’ll just…try _not_ to be abducted from now on.”

 

“Good.”

 

“I was being sarcas-” Nathanael turned around to see Queen Bee gone and his skylight open above his bed.

 

“Yeah…definitely need a better lock,” Nathanael said, reaching up tugging the skylight closed.

 

* * *

 

“What was the _one_ thing I asked you to do?”

 

Nathanael chewed the inside of his lip as he dangled upside down from a thick mess of spiderweb.

 

“My hero,” Nathanael said flatly. “My personal savior and messiah, please deliver me from cruel cruel bond- _oomph!_ ”

 

The top ripped from Queen Bee’s hand, severing the string in a single cut and sending Nathanael tumbling to the ground in a heap.

 

“One job,” Queen Bee said, holding her finger up. “You had _one job_ and that was _not to get kidnapped._ ”

 

“Sorry I’m such an apparently _vulnerable_ target,” Nathanael sighed, brushing his shirt off.

 

“Well you’re clearly doing something wrong,” Queen Bee huffed, tapping her foot against the ground. “Have you considered moving?”

“Yeah, let me just call my Dad and tell him I want to move to Belgium because a supervillain in a cheap purple suit thinks I’m dating one of his nemeses,” Nathanael said, picking a loose strand of sticky thread off his shirt.

 

“Belgium probably doesn’t have spider themed hussies kidnapping people’s boyfriends,” Queen Bee said. “Just sayin’”

 

“I’m not your boy-”

 

“ _I_ know you’re not my boyfriend!” Queen Bee snapped. “But _she_ still thinks you are, which means _she_ thinks she can kidnap my boyfriend whenever she wants to!”

 

“That’s…insulting?” Nathanael said.

 

“It is to _me_!” Queen Bee said with a dark scowl. “Like, who the hell does she think she is, kidnapping my not-boyfriend like I’m not gonna do anything about it?!”

 

“You’re really taking this personally, aren’t you?”

 

“Of course I am!”

 

“We’re…not dating though.”

 

“That’s not the _point!_ ” Queen Bee snapped, jetting off in the direction of the eight-legged akuma who had Ladybug in her jaws.

 

“…isn’t it?” Nathanael asked.

 

* * *

 

“…sooooooooo what’s up with you and Bee?” Chat Noir asked as Queen Bee kicked an akuma off a bridge into the Seine.

 

 

“We’re _not_ dating,” Nathanael sighed as Chat carried him away from the action.

 

“Are you suuuuuuu-”

 

“ _WE’RE-”_

 

* * *

 

“- _NOT DATING!”_

“Okay, okay!” Volpina said, holding her hands up. “Fine, fine, sorry I asked.”

 

“You can see how we might get that impression,” Ladybug said, raising her hands placatingly as Queen Bee sulked on the corner of the rooftop. “And he _is_ a sweet guy…f-from what I’ve heard, I mean.”

 

This was getting _badly_ out of hand. It was one thing for her worst enemy to think that she had a thing for Nathanael; the worst Hawkmoth could do was kill him. But once her partners had caught the smell of romantic blood in the water, they started to circle like hungry sharks.

 

“You should have seen his face when you saved him from the last akuma,” Chat snickered. “Soooooo red-”

 

Chat leaned out of the way of the top Queen Been whipped at his head with a sharp laugh. 

 

* * *

 

“They’re staring at me,” Nathanael mumbled, raising his menu to block the curious patrons glances.

 

“Please; they’re not staring at _you_ ,” Queen Bee snorted, offering a magnanimous wave to the rubbernecking restaurant patrons. “And if they do, it’s because you’re here on a date with _me_.”

 

“Date…right,” Nathanael sighed.

 

“Don’t look so disappointed,” Queen Bee said. “I’m sure there’s _hundreds_ of guys who would lie, cheat, and steal for a chance to go on a date with me.”

 

“I thought we were supposed to be an unhappy couple,” Nathanael said.

 

“We _are_ ,” Queen Bee clarified, glancing around the restaurant surreptitiously. “But save it for when that busybody from the Ladyblog shows up.”

 

“How do you know _Alya_ is going to-”

 

“Her mom’s the head chef here,” Queen Bee said with a smirk. “And she does her homework at the table in the corner every day. So just pretend to talk to me until she gets here and then I can dump you publicly.”

 

“Why can’t _I_ be the one to dump _you_ again?” Nathanael asked, raising an eyebrow.

 

“Because no one would believe that you would actually throw away a chance to date _me_ ,” Queen Bee scoffed.

 

“They would if they knew what it entailed,” Nathanael muttered.

 

“Don’t look so glum,” Queen Bee chided. “Do you know how much your dating credit is going to increase after this? I mean, granted, you’re not going to trade up or anything, but the fact that everyone thought we were dating is going to pique some interest.”

 

“Honestly, I’m only doing this so Hawkmoth stops snatching me off the street every other day,” Nathanael grumbled, taking a sip of his water. “I’d like to go through a week without getting abducted by the minions of a man who chooses to dress like a butterfly.”

 

“Oh god, right?” Queen Bee snorted. “The guy looks like a refugee from Candyland’s fetish convention.”

 

“He looks like a luchador attending junior prom,” Nathanael added. “Or if someone drew a humanized version of Grimace from the McDonald cartoons.”

 

Nathanael couldn’t help the smile tugging at the corner of his lips as Queen Bee covered her mouth to keep from spraying water all over the table.

 

* * *

 

It was hard to get to know someone when they couldn’t really tell you anything incriminating about them, but over the course of the night, and despite their best intentions, the pair learned a little more about each other.

 

He learned that she loved her father, but wished he had more time for her.

 

She learned that he didn’t want to tell his dad that he had no interest in going into medical school.

 

He learned that, despite her haughty exterior, she could be one of the crassest people he had ever met.

 

She learned that he was nowhere _nearly_ as milquetoast as she had assumed he was.

 

And very soon, it was closing time. Alya hadn’t showed all night, and as the distant clock struck midnight, Nathanael’s feet touched down on the roof of his house.

 

“Thanks for the lift,” Nathanael said, brushing his shirt off as Queen Bee hovered behind him.

 

“I don’t know _where_ blog-girl was today,” Queen Bee huffed, folding her arms. “Kinda spoils the whole ‘public break up’ thing, doesn’t it?”

 

“Nothing we can do,” Nathanael shrugged. “Just have to try again.”

 

“I _guess_ ,” Queen Bee huffed, eyeing Nathanael curiously. “What are you gonna do in the mean time?”

 

“I guess I’m gonna have to try not to get kidnapped,” Nathanael said with a sheepish smile.

 

Queen Bee rolled her eyes, mostly to avoid lingering on the bangs she had had the urge to brush out of his face for blocks. “Yeah, well, see that you do. I might not be able to save you next time.”

 

“Somehow I doubt that,” Nathanael said, glancing back as he popped his bedroom hatch open. “Queen Bee wouldn’t _dare_ let Hawkmoth get his hands on _her_ boy-toy.”

 

His teasing tone, and casual wave over his shoulder let her know he wasn’t serious, which led to a strange wash of disappointment that Chloe didn’t quite know what to do with. She hovered above his roof for a long moment before taking off, twirling in midair and streaking down the block as fast as her wings would carry her.

 

* * *

 

“ _This is your fault.”_

Alya blinked, opening her eyes to see a black and yellow clad figure hovering over her bed and glaring down at her.

 

“W…what the-” Alya mumbled, glancing around in a half-woken daze.

 

“You were _supposed_ to be a the restaurant today, so you could see me break up with Nathanael, but because you _weren’t_ for some _stupid_ reason, I went on a _stupid_ date with his _stupid_ pretty face, and now, instead of breaking up with him, I now actually have to entertain the idea of _actually_ dating him!” Queen Bee hissed out in one, long breath. “So _thanks Alya!”_

“Wh…what did I do?” Alya mumbled as Queen Bee turned around and zipped out the window. For a moment, she worried it had been some strange sleep-paralysis induced hallucination, until Queen Bee flitted back in, glanced around the room for a moment, and then knocked over a cup full of pencils in an act of pure spite.

 

“It is _way_ too early for this,” Alya grumbled, burrowing back under her comforters.

**Author's Note:**

> Secret Santa gift for casual-voodoo.tumblr.com!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Honey, Honey](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9480992) by [blaqqkat (she_was_art)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/she_was_art/pseuds/blaqqkat)




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